Friday, December 21, 2007

This Blog Writes Itself

I won't apologize for the long absence because I'm not paid to blog, and the internet is not my girlfriend (despite the amount of p0rn on there). I have been busy, but I should have more time to waste...errr, I mean to "be creative" on the internet in '08. Either that or I will finally kill this blog (which, like a drug resistant staph infection, or Jason from Friday the 13th, proves remarkably

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Salvador Dali Commute

I think sometimes life becomes surreal when it's most banal. I was walking my usual commute yesterday and nothing out of the ordinary happened, just like every day for the past five years, when I heard a crashing sound and I saw a guy on a bicycle flip head over feet when he collided with a Miata. I took off my headphones and walked accross the street (for entertainment, not because I cared if

Friday, November 23, 2007

Not So Black Friday and A Modest Proposal

I don't really like people. Well, I like them individually, or in small groups, but in a crowd I can't stand them. The lack of crowds is probably the biggest selling point for being a good Catholic. Since 99.9% of the population is going to hell (yes, this includes you polytheistic animists, buddhists, and protestants), the lines for the bathroom there must be outrageous. I'd much rather go to

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Random Stuff

Well, the week hasn't been going as well as planned. My "friend with benefits" (the tattoo and piercings girl from the art show) hasn't come down to "hook a brother up" in almost 2 weeks. I even offered to come up to Baltimore* to deliver the goods. But she was flying out of town for Thanksgiving.Girl: I'll be back Friday...I bring you back some turkey.HIN: Is that slang for for vagina?Girl:

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Gentrification and Booze

Well gentrification has its upsides, no matter what they say. I was on a part of Georgia Avenue today which isn't exactly an area where the yuppies go for their fair trade organic soy chai decaf lattes at Starbucks.I was there to attend a brainwashing, errr, I mean "orientation" for people who want to be foster owners for dogs until they are adopted. I have been thinking of getting a dog, and I

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Why Men Love Bitches

Someone wrote a whole book on the topic of "Why Men Love Bitches". First of all, it's a stupid title because it begs the question of "Do men love bitches?" It assumes the answer is yes, and the author presumes to tell people why that's so. And since women are SOoooo good at figuring out what we men think, this author, for fifteen dollars, will tell women why it's not their fault that they are

Friday, November 9, 2007

Free Plug Fridays

Although I don't mind whoring stuff for money, no one is paying me for the following free plugs. And you're probably not a whore if you give it away for free, right?1. Canine KarmaOnly as asshole wouldn't like to own a dog. FACT! So, unless you're an asshole (or allergic, or live in a place where the lease doesn't allow it), you should consider adopting a dog. My friend has a friend (yes, I

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

The World's Worst Mugger

Okay, here is the mugger story that you asked for in the comments.I think I met up with the World's Worst Mugger a few nights ago. I don't know where muggers go to learn their profession, but this guy must've cut class at mugger school the day they taught how to pick your targets wisely. I hesitate to bring this up, because I'm not one of those people who brag about being a badass (I am way more

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Odds and Ends:

1. House Stuff:My trashcan wasn't stolen by a crackhead. It was taken mistakenly by a neighbor who, like me, was too lazy to write their house number on it. I spotted my old trashcan (the one where the rat, errr, raccoon that was hungry had chewed a hole in it). I could've let my neighbor keep my old trashcan (he took it so he must like it better, right?), but I switched them back. I like

Friday, October 26, 2007

Odds and Ends

I guess it's time for more randomness.1. Stolen TrashcanAnother blogger had their trashcan stolen recently in DC. They jumped through the proper hoops and got a new one in a couple of weeks. I can't go that route because I HATE dealing with the DC goverment and I can't go two weeks without throwing out garbage while I wait for a new can. (if you put the bags on the street without a trashcan, you

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Thief!

I stole a trashcan today. You might be wondering why I stole something that the city gives away for free. Well, I put my trash out this morning and when I came back this afternoon, my trashcan was gone. Initially I thought someone stole it.HIN: I'm calling the cops. It should be pretty easy to find. It's green and plastic, like every other trashcan in DC, but mine has a whole near the top

Friday, October 19, 2007

Adventures in Law Part 4: The Green Eyed Monster Named Carl

In the next installment, I'll talk about the Capitol Hill Internship I did while in law school, but in order to put into proper context I think you need to know how I got the job (and I hate excessively long posts, so I'll break it up into 2 posts).Now, I'm gonna be politically incorrect and say that women who go to law school are not known for their physical beauty. Let's face it, unless a girl

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Odds and Ends

1. Sickness: Okay, I think the worst of the illness is past. Because the new trend in blogging in to give updates on bowel movements: My stool is starting to look normal now. I mean, the consistency, not the color which is darker than normal because of the after effects of Pepto Bismol (which tastes like you are drinking pink chalk). I used my Wolverine-esque mutant healing powers to

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Sicko.

I am sick. Realllllly sick. Because I don't ever get sick (even my immune system is badass), if this bug has gotten the better of me, then it's some kind of superbug that will destroy will destroy all mankind (and most of womankind) if not stopped.I haven't been able to get up for almost 24 hours and I'm hurting bad. For the good of mankind (and womankind) someone should come over to my place and

Monday, October 8, 2007

More Work Gets Done

Because this is, theoretically, a home improvement blog, and because I like to have people over at my house without having them sign a waiver and warning them not to touch anything, and to maybe get a tetanus shot before they come over, I do occasionally get stuff done.I've been noticing over the past couple of years that the porch paint was peeling and the iron was rusting. This has been low on

Friday, October 5, 2007

Odds and Ends: The Many Purposes of Modern Art

1. Art Makes Girls Hot, Apparently.Well, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've purchased three new pieces of art in the past two weeks. One of which may or may not have contributed to me getting laid. I think when the artsy fartsy chick in the gallery saw me buying it, she was fooled into thinking I have good taste in art. Luckily she hasn't seen my complete collection, which includes

Sunday, September 30, 2007

On the Road Again Part 3: I threaten a Dog

Because I don't believe in straight lines, I am almost done re-capping my trip to St. Louis. You can read the rest of the story in Part 1 and Part 2. When I first met the world’s most annoying chihuahua, Crash, I sat down on the couch and a blurry running rat-like creature scurried up my leg, scaled my torso, and gave me a headbutt in the chin, then started licking my face. The dog was strangely

Friday, September 28, 2007

Odds and Ends: Dave Barry and Verbal Judo

1. Verbal JudoI met (and accidentally insulted) Dave Barry on my lunch break last week. He was doing a book signing near my office and since he's an author that people have actually heard of, I figured it would be nice to get a (signed) copy of his book. Recently I listened to a copy of one of his books on tape, that was narrated by this unfunny jackass. I intended to tell Dave (we're on a first

Saturday, September 15, 2007

On the Road Again: Part 2

Ahhhh, Bloomington! The Dallas/Fort Worth of Central Illinois, how could I not love thee? Apologies for the last drunken post. Very uncharacteristic of me--not the drunken part, but the posting while drunk part.Moving on, I took the Amtrak up from St. Louis to here last night. Amtrak will never replace flying, but for short trips (Like DC to NYC) you can't beat it. Amtrak is like the

Friday, September 7, 2007

Free Plug Fridays

For those of you who like Art (i.e. those of you who are part of civilization and eat with forks and knives instead of tearing strips of meat from the fire with your fingers), there is an Art Show Thingy ("The Art Romp 20") at the Warehouse in DC. It's from 6pm 'till whenever tonight. One of my friends is showing some Art there so you should definitely go. And I'm not saying that you should

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Odds and Ends

Having Monday off for Labor Day should allow me to loaf for 24 extra hours this weekend. DC is like a ghost town this weekend because all the sheep have left town in order to go to the beach and hang out with the same people that were trying to get away from. This is one of the times when it's fun to be a contrarian. Driving around this city, there are parking spots everywhere. You would

Monday, August 27, 2007

Martial Arts Mondays: Part 1

I'm creating a new feature on my blog which may or may not be repeated. I saw something on YouTube that was so amazing that I would be remiss (whatever that means) if I didn't share it with you imaginary people on the internets. So I'm creating this feature just to share it with you.Here is a video clip of the MMA Girls demonstrating one of my favorite moves (the side choke) from a full guard

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Great Moments In Stupidity: Mac Attack

Friday morning I did one of the dumbest things I have done in a long time. I spilled some soda on my laptop. For those of you who don't know me:Yes, sometimes I drink Coca Cola Classic in the morning--don't judge me, you're not the boss of me!I am not the most careful person with electronics that you will ever meet. If machines ever become sentient, like in The Terminator, Terminator 2

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Does Big Gay Al have a Little Gay Dog?

The other day I heard the screech of tires and a crash outside the ninja fortress. It was a car crash, and I automatically assumed that the drivers were women. I didn't assume that both drivers were women because women are bad drivers (even though it's true), but rather because both cars were "chick cars". One was a mini-cooper and the other was a Volkswagen Cabriolet. But I was wrong. Yes..

Monday, August 20, 2007

Tap Out

After having spent a few days with visiting relatives, I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually depleted. I will probably post more about the wackadoos in my family in a few days, but for now, I only want a nap. I feel like I just fought in some type of Ultimate Fighting Championship cage match, except that the pain doesn't stop when you tap out. It continues and escalates until it's time

Monday, August 13, 2007

Adventures in Law Part 3: A Footnote for Eternity

I’ve already mentioned that I don’t think much of most academics. While most of them suck, some of them are really cool and interesting though. Professor X was one of them. He was a visiting professor at my law school (which I won’t name because then you might figure out who I am and I would have to kill you) and I got a job as his research assistant for $8 an hour (which is minimum wage today

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

It's gettin' hot in here...

I have been thinking about what it would’ve been like if I lived in DC before there was air conditioning. It sucks that I don’t have central air conditioning (yet) but at least I have window A/Cs.* It’s bad enough walking from the metro to my (badly) air conditioned ninja fortress, but if I lived before there was such a thing as A/C, I don’t know how I would’ve handled it. It's a hundred

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Adventures in Law Part 2: A Job Offer from the Grave?

Most law professors, like regular professors (and cops) are pompous jackasses. I don't know what that thing is called, which academics have, that makes them jackasses, but whatever it is, Joe Griffin had the antidote. If anyone had a right to be pompous, it was Joe Griffin who, literally, wrote the book on international antitrust law. But luckily, Joe was as down to earth as he was smart. His

Friday, August 3, 2007

C'mon Gentrification

Well, DC's first Target store continues to tease me like a stripper between the first and second song of her set. The outside looks like it's done, so I don't know when it will be finished, but I am avoiding trips to the Virginia Target on principle (and also because I'm lazy and Alexandria, VA might as well be Cincinatti Ohio, as far as I'm concerned. Do they even have indoor plumbing in

Sunday, July 29, 2007

A Trip to Ikea and TMI

Well, Ikea continues to provide endless fodder for bloggers like me. I was there a few Sundays ago with my friend Velvet to pick out and pick up some kitchen cabinets. The same cabinets that are in this post. I didn't want to tell the story without permission, but now that I have it, here we go. First of all, I hate IKEA. Every weekend there are thousands of people there and every single one

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Thoughts on Iraq, Cheney, and Jersey Girls

I think this sums up the situation in Iraq pretty nicely. The Bush chicken hawks are so hard up for talent that they are sending me a letter, hoping that I can get them out their mess.First of all, I don’t know how the gob’ment knows about my home improvement skillz. I had my suspicions that the CIA and Pentagon were monitoring my blog in the hopes of developing some kind of secret humor weapon

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Home Improvement Helpful Tip: outlets

In ye olde days, people didn't use many electric outlets. Typewriters were not electric and most other chores that are now done by appliances (like washing clothes and microwaving food) were done by subservient wives. This is still the case in most red states, but I digress. If you have an old house, you'll probably want to add more electric outlets at some point (or marry a goodly woman with

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Work Progress

In a change of pace, I'm going to post some pics of actual work that I've done recently. I get tired just thinking about it. Part of the reason that I'd run over the contractor I fired if I ever saw him crossing the street is that I had to undo so much of what he did and re-do it myself. So I got to do the work myself, but still ended up paying a lot of money for it. It's feels like being

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Adventures in Law Part 1: Batman Hires Me

Well, I got another call from a headhunter in NY. The good news is that I’m becoming more popular than the iPhone. For the third time in as many weeks I was asked to explain what I want out of my life. That got me thinking about what I do want to do with my life (besides being Mr. Rachel McHottie). So maybe I’ll discuss it on here in a series of meandering and picaresque posts and I’ll just

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Helpful Home Improvement Hint Number 1

So that I can continue to consider this a Home Improvement Blog, without feeling guilty about the lack of progress, I'm going to post a weekly helpful tip that is based on my vast knowledge of fixing stuff (when I actually do real work). Here's the first one:When using an extension cord with your power tools, tie the end in a knot like this. That way, if you move the tool around and pull on

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Escape From NY: I Rub a Bull's Balls

Impressions of New YorkWell, my NYC trip was eventful. I don't think I'll get that job at the investment bank, but I did get a call from a different headhunter on friday about a different investment bank, for which I am less qualified, so I got that going for me.I'm trying to decide whether I would want to go to NYC at all. Walking around there, reminded me of the things I hate about New York:

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Unconventional Thoughts on Father's Day

On Father’s Day, I usually think about the second time my Dad almost died.After I graduated High School, I wanted to hang out and party and, generally be a degenerate, but my dad had other plans. My choices were to go to college or go to work with him--there wasn't really a third choice. My Dad has his own construction company that varied in size depending on how the economy was doing in New

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Miscellany

My friend has an organization that has balls. I mean that literally. And this Saturday, is one of those balls. There is a ball on Saturday at the National Museum of Women in the Arts. So if you want to see one of my friend's balls, then you should go. There will be two, count 'em, two live bands, food, drinks, and me in a Tuxedo. Since I didn't get any good shots of me in a Tux at the

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Ninja Mitzvah: Part 2

Okay, here's Part 2 of the Ninja Mitvah. You should probably read Part 1 and Part 3 of the Ninja Mitzvah to acquaint yourself with the rest of the story.Well, the Ninja Mitzvah went well. A fun time was had by all and everyone made it out with the same amount of fingers and toes that they came in with. Who could ask for more than that? After the ceremony, following our family’s tradition, we

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Truth is stranger than fiction

There are things that one is never too young to learn. Among those, are fixing stuff and killing people. I bought my nephew toy power tools because he's already four, so he's old enough to tackle some rudimentary home improvement projects."Okay, I'll make you a shed, but I'm a union carpenter, so I gotta overcharge you, even though you're family."I have fond memories of going hunting with my

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Progress Report and Abandoned Blogsperiments

I'm going to be posting less over the summer becauseit's nice out and blogging requires me to stay inside;I'm making some house progress, but I need pics to show you and posting pics is hard, even with a MacBook, if you're as technologically ignorant as me;I have a job interview in NYC that I'm prepping for and if that job comes through, I may take it and quit blogging completely, so it might be

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Audience Participation

Okay, I need some audience participation from the people in DC. I need to buy a Tuxedo sometime in the next couple of weeks. Now, read that carefully, I need to BUY a tuxedo, not rent one. I won't wear someone else's pants. EVER. There are three things that you should never rent or buy used:Bubble gum;hypodermic needles;things that go on your crotch.So what I need from you people is a place

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Blog Day of Mourning

Today, Friday May 4th, my ex is getting married. So this will be an official blog day of mourning on my site. Of all my exes, she is probably the one who would've made the best wife. It's kind of ironic that when we were dating I couldn't remember our anniversary or her birthday, but I remembered the day she is marrying someone else. But life if full of little ironies like that. It's ironic

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Fogo de Owwwwwww

I participated in an eating contest at Fogo de Chao. For those you that don’t know, Fogo de Chao is an upscale restaurant with all you can eat barbecue meat. I know that sounds like an Oxymoron but it’s true. The way it works is that you have a coaster on you table with a red side and a green side. If the green side is showing, people come around with slabs of meat on a spit and keep putting

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Greenspan Still a Moron: Housing Thoughts

Whenever someone tells me I'm wrong about something, I usually assume they are morons, and I'm usually right. When I bought the Ninja Fortress, I anticipated a housing correction because of the stupid things that Greenspan was doing to the ecomony, but I thought that I was getting a good enough deal (and that the neighborhood was developing fast enough) that I would still do okay. The

Monday, April 23, 2007

YouTubey Goodness

In lieu of a real post, here's some random video entertainment from the net, that is work safe. I think of all the dumb marketing ideas by real estate developers, this is the dumbest. I found out about it from Boston Gal's website.Here is a series of clips that were used as an internet marketing ploy by a homebuilder. It’s really odd. It features a plotline about their target buyer (a young

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Joining the Boycott

Velvet is a good friend. In the past she’s helped me paint my house, loaned me deviant porn (that she thinks she’s getting back), and told me when I was wearing clothes that were too close to the euro/gay line. So I won’t be attending the Happy Hour. Getting back at people by posting their real names and phone numbers on a website is not cool. So I won’t go to a Happy Hour with people who

Friday, April 13, 2007

FREE PLUG: DC LINDY EXCHANGE

For those of you in the area looking for something to do this weekend, check out the DC Lindy Exchange. If you're wondering what that is, I'll pretend to know what I'm talking about. It's where swing dancers from all over come to DC to dance with the locals and trade moves. There will be events all day & night Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Some are free, some are not. Some have live bands,

Random Thoughts on Housing and Shooting Yourself in the Face With Powertools

This is one of those times when I'll post something timely that is actually useful. Don't get used to it because I don't do it too often. Usually, if you if you learn something from here it will be despite my efforts, not because of it. Here is an interesting article on housing in the NY Times. It makes the point that when house prices are really, really high, sometimes it makes more sense to

Monday, April 9, 2007

Random Stuff about Easter, Passover and Heart Disease

I'll step out of character for a minute to tell you people to check out this NY Times Article on Heart Disease. (free registration required). And if anyone has a history of heart disease in your family, please get yourself checked out.Back to randomness: Easter came and went with no big deal. In honor of the Baby Jeebus, today I will eat a chocolate bunny in silent solemnity. A chocolate bunny

Saturday, April 7, 2007

The Ninja Mitzvah: Part 3

Okay, if you're wondering what the hell happened to Part 2, it's still in the works because it's got a lot of pics and me working a computer is like George Bush trying to do calculus. Anyway, so assume I told you about the actual event and reception and I'm on my way home.The night before, The Bensonhurst Kid and his wife come up to Long Island (pronounced "Lawwhng-EYE-lind") to show me their

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Normal

Yesterday I had one of the greatest days in my life. I had a complete stranger tell me that I was normal. That may sound like nothing, but the complete stranger was a cardiologist so the fact that he said I was normal was better than winning the lottery. For the past couple of months I've put on a few pounds and several grey hairs worrying about the results of a sonogram that I had done on my

Sunday, April 1, 2007

The Ninja Mitzvah: Part 1

Well, I'm outta' town for the weekend. I'm in NY for a Bar Mitzvah (oh vey!). I know what you're thinking: Jewish Ninjas? Well, yes. Let's not forget the Taga Ninja Clan's 42nd grandmaster was Abraham Hirohito. He made two of the greatest contributions to the dark art of the shadow warrior.Firstable, The ninja throwing star. Few people are aware that Abraham crafted the first throwing star

Sunday, March 25, 2007

More Actual Work

Okay, so I got some actual work done on the MacGuyver Kitchen this weekend. On the plus side, I don't have the MacGuyver sink and diswasher any more. On the minus side is that I don't have any sink or dishwasher (or sink) and I won't have one till I finish the kitchen. I guess that's one way to motivate myself. I do have some actual pictures of it, but I didn't load them into my beautiful

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Plan

I’m going to try to make some progress on the Ninja fortress over the weekend. I know I've said that before but this time I mean it. I bought some kitchen cabinets from IKEA. And I’m working like a Hebrew slave to put them together. Who knew I could fit a whole kitchen into the Ninja Lite-Armoured Assault Vehicle? They are starting to look niiiice, but who knew that anyone besides the

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Important Announcement

Well, I have been upset this past week because it turns out that I am not the winner of the $370 million lottery. Not only that, but I am $50 poorer as a result of that stupid game. I may have to take drastic steps.Moving onIn what I swear is completely unrelated news, I have an announcement to make: I, Home Improvement Ninja, am the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. Yes, you read that right,

Friday, March 9, 2007

Christmas Part 3: The Severed Pig Head

Okay, here is the final Christmas post that I have been promising. I was in Florida visiting the ninja clan and getting new material for my blog and my therapist. My family was in rare form. Old feuds were rekindled, and new feuds were ignited...good times.Anyway, my sister had bought a new house, 5 bedrooms, and I, my brother and dad were enlisted as free labor to do some stuff on it before

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

My First MEME...Six Weird Things

Well, I was tagged by Reya recently. I usually don’t do Memes because I find most of them to be banal and there is already enough unoriginal content on my site (about 90%) without my having to add to it. But this one is not bad “List Six Weird Things About Yourself”. There are plenty of weird things about me (ask anyone). Like the fact that I only read magazines from back to front. (that doesn’t

Monday, February 12, 2007

Important Valentine’s Announcement:

This is all I will say about it: ....................../´¯/)....................,/¯../.................../..../............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`•¸........../'/.../..../......./¨¯........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...').........\.................'...../..........''...\.......... _.•´............\..............(..............\.............\...That’s right, this means you!We will return to our regularly

Friday, February 9, 2007

Ninja Sotck Picks

Okay, I finally started posting to my Investing Ninja Website. The link is here: http://investingninja.blogsome.com/There is no humor on that blog though. Making money is serious business, and I save what little sense of humor I have for this blog. My goal with that blog is not to make you laugh, it's to make me money.* My goal with this blog is to try to get laid and to vent about stuff

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Election Results are Now In

Okay, well I want to thank everyone (nearly 200 of you) who voted in the Gay or European Orange Sweater Poll. I am thanking all of you, even though, statistically, more than half of you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. That sweater is clearly European. If it were any more European, it would need a freakin’ passport! Anyway, I won’t contest the election results. More than

Monday, January 29, 2007

Gay or European? VOTE NOW!!!

One of the greatest games ever to be posted on the internet is Gay or European.Basically, you look at a picture of someone and guess if they are Gay or European. Sounds simple, right? Well, we’re gonna play a ninja version of that game on my blog today. This started with a dispute between Velvet and I over whether a particular, now infamous, sweater is gay or European.Now before we start, I

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Kamikaze Vehicle Attacks Increase

Many of you probably think that I’m paranoid about SUVs crashing into the Ninja Fortress. Well, if you think I’m overstating the risk of vehicle attacks, you’re wrong. Just this past week, there have been 3 attacks on buildings in the DC area. One was by an SUV, which destroyed a building and left 7 families homeless:In a surprise move, this SUV struck the gas meter in order to amplify the power

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Mouse Commandos vs. The Home Improvement Ninja

I killed all the mouse commandos that invaded the ninja fortress. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve seen the last of them, so now I can write calmly about the story. I mentioned previously about my mouse problem at the ninja fortress, but never got around to finishing the story. To understand why I hate the mouse intruder (Sho Kosugi) and his band of mouse commandos so much, you’ll need

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

On Topic Post: Look Before you Leap.

There's a relevant post HERE in the Washington Post about past home improvement ideas that were once very popular, but ended up causing lots of problems (like Asbestos materials and aluminum wiring). Part of the reason that I'm reluctant to accept new innovations is that I fear being an experiment. Asbestos sounds great, but years later they find out it causes incurable cancer...no thanks. So

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I'm In Love

I'm in love with DayQuil. THere, I said it. The past week I've been sicker than Dick Cheney's mind, and DayQuil is the only friend that hasn't abandoned me. I've been leaking bodily fluids from every orifice, coughing, sneezing, fever, you name it. But I still had to go to work, and go to my salsa class and breathe on people, so DayQuil was my wingman. I tired other things too this week.

Monday, January 15, 2007

The Boy Who Cried 'Cracka'

Happy MLK Day! Or is it Merry MLK Day? In the spirit of racial healing, I should apologize for calling the people in my last post "cracka' ass crackers". I assumed they were rich white folks who got the city to tear down their neighbor's house because, in addition to being assholes, they were also predjudiced. Well, it turns out that they weren't rich white folks, they were rich black folks.

Friday, January 12, 2007

DC Housing Rant

People are always amazed at the stupidity and wastefulness of DC’s bureaucrats, unless you live here, then you get used to it. I saw this article in the Washington Post about how the city will have to pay $1.5 million to buy a house in a wealthy part of the city and demolish it. Yes, demolish it. It seems DC didn’t follow proper procedures when it approved the plans, so they ended up having to

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Christmas Part 2: Santa Becomes My Enemy

My hatred of Santa started when I was 6. I have always thought of him as mean and vengeful. I first met Santa when I was 4. He came to our house dressed in a red suit and handed out some gifts and quickly made his way out the door. I was too nervous to speak to him, but I appreciated the gift. Although he smelled like the same brand of whiskey that my uncle drank (Santa was a Chivas Regal

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Damn You, Steve Jobs

I hate you , Steve Jobs. Right after I purchase a new cell phone and sign a 2 year contract, you come out with the world's greatest phone. I have to wait 2 years, which is longer than all my previous romantic relationships, to get my hands on that Apple iPhone? For the next two years I have to stay with that horrible Motorola Razr and it's clumsy menus, when I could've had a phone, iPod, and

Friday, January 5, 2007

DC Corruption: Building Inspectors

Read this article by the Washington Examiner and find out why people hate DC. I’ll summarize: Building inspector slaps a stop-work order on a project (who’s owner is an FBI agent) and seeks a $20,000 bribe to lift it. The FBI agent records the calls and they begin an investigation on the inspector (complete with sworn affidavits and secret wire taps), but his corrupt colleagues still won’t

Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Christmas Part 1: The Legend of the Santa Ninja

At the risk of almost-certain death, I think I should tell you about the Santa Ninja, and why I hate him, then I’ll tell you about my Christmas. Many people don’t realize that Santa was actually a ninja. He was. He was half-chinese and half-japanese and his name was San-te Takahashi. San-te (which means 3 harmonies in Chinese) was a powerful ninja during the 12th century. Before he learned